My Vision Quest

“What you seek is seeking you.” ~Rumi

I keep stumbling across this Rumi quote and believe the Universe is sending me a message. I’m slow to the game of figuring out what I’m actually seeking. I arrived at age 51 and in so many ways I’m still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I remember in my late teens and twenties thinking I would have it all figured out by the time I was 51. I would be [Insert Profession Here] and I would be a wife and a mother and be happily in that mode for the rest of my days. Well, I’m here now and I am a wife and mom which I love being. I do have a profession (lawyer) but I’m not doing the work I want to be doing. This is where the angst is. I am doing the work I trained to do, which enabled me to survive, but it does not bring joy. I have this feeling in my gut that it is not my life’s work. It is not what I was sent here to do or be and I do not want to leave this life without at least having tried to figure it out.

For the past several years, I have felt like a hamster on a wheel, running and running, with no time to truly devote to my children and husband. I’m just holding the line, paying the bills and helping to keep us going. I’m in service to everybody and no one at the same time. I see my children growing up right before my eyes and my time to truly mother them (and enjoy their childhood) is slipping through my fingers as I toil away in corporate America trying to secure their future by saving for college and also sock away some retirement savings. I know I’m not alone here. I keep telling myself I can probably do this work for a few more years but do I want to? Do I really have to? At the same time, there is this urgency inside of me to find my true calling; my life’s work. I know I missed the mark. I’ve ignored the tug for several years now but it keeps showing back up and almost haunting me. I have to figure it out.

I do like to daydream about some day moving to Ireland. My parents are from Ireland (but became U.S. citizens decades ago) and I spent several wonderful and happy times visiting Ireland in my childhood and young adult years. I feel very comfortable and at home there. I would love to own an Irish country home in West Cork with a view out to the beautiful ocean. I can see myself strolling along the rolling country roads with the patchwork quilt of green fields sloping down towards the sea. I can see my children running ahead of me laughing and horsing around. In my fantasy life in West Cork, I’m a writer and it must pay the bills (yes!!!) because my Irish country home is small but very cozy and comfortable. We live a slower paced life and share unrushed, home cooked meals together. I have time to bake wonderful loaves of bread and the house smells like heaven. We all drink tea together. How can I get myself there with my husband and kids? They say the Universe is limitless and the possibilities are endless. The only limits are the ones we place on ourselves. So, today I am asking the Universe to conspire with me. This is what I am seeking and I hope it is seeking me. What are you seeking? What is your dream? Your heart’s desire? May the Universe conspire with you today to summon it into your life!

xo, SFTL

Photo Credit: SFTL