I keep stumbling across this Rumi quote and believe the Universe is sending me a message. I’m slow to the game of figuring out what I’m actually seeking. I arrived at age 51 and in so many ways I’m still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I remember in my late teens and twenties thinking I would have it all figured out by the time I was 51. I would be [Insert Profession Here] and I would be a wife and a mother and be happily in that mode for the rest of my days. Well, I’m here now and I am a wife and mom which I love being. I do have a profession (lawyer) but I’m not doing the work I want to be doing. This is where the angst is. I am doing the work I trained to do, which enabled me to survive, but it does not bring joy. I have this feeling in my gut that it is not my life’s work. It is not what I was sent here to do or be and I do not want to leave this life without at least having tried to figure it out.
For the past several years, I have felt like a hamster on a wheel, running and running, with no time to truly devote to my children and husband. I’m just holding the line, paying the bills and helping to keep us going. I’m in service to everybody and no one at the same time. I see my children growing up right before my eyes and my time to truly mother them (and enjoy their childhood) is slipping through my fingers as I toil away in corporate America trying to secure their future by saving for college and also sock away some retirement savings. I know I’m not alone here. I keep telling myself I can probably do this work for a few more years but do I want to? Do I really have to? At the same time, there is this urgency inside of me to find my true calling; my life’s work. I know I missed the mark. I’ve ignored the tug for several years now but it keeps showing back up and almost haunting me. I have to figure it out.
I do like to daydream about some day moving to Ireland. My parents are from Ireland (but became U.S. citizens decades ago) and I spent several wonderful and happy times visiting Ireland in my childhood and young adult years. I feel very comfortable and at home there. I would love to own an Irish country home in West Cork with a view out to the beautiful ocean. I can see myself strolling along the rolling country roads with the patchwork quilt of green fields sloping down towards the sea. I can see my children running ahead of me laughing and horsing around. In my fantasy life in West Cork, I’m a writer and it must pay the bills (yes!!!) because my Irish country home is small but very cozy and comfortable. We live a slower paced life and share unrushed, home cooked meals together. I have time to bake wonderful loaves of bread and the house smells like heaven. We all drink tea together. How can I get myself there with my husband and kids? They say the Universe is limitless and the possibilities are endless. The only limits are the ones we place on ourselves. So, today I am asking the Universe to conspire with me. This is what I am seeking and I hope it is seeking me. What are you seeking? What is your dream? Your heart’s desire? May the Universe conspire with you today to summon it into your life!
What is my life’s purpose? What did I come here to do?
It’s been three years since I wrote on this blog. The truth is I got scared. I just froze and didn’t know what to write or what to say even though I feel like a volcano that needs to erupt and I have so much to say! I want to use this blog to find my path and purpose. I want to use it to brainstorm and brain dump; to get my thoughts out on paper and see what is there; and most importantly, to share the journey with you. Right now, I’m at ground zero and ready for a rebirth. I know you are feeling it too.
I am 51 years young. I have worked as a lawyer for 20 years with the last 8 years working as in house corporate counsel for a nuclear power plant. I believe in the power of prayer and dream realization because at the 11th hour (biologically speaking) I married and managed to have two beautiful children in my forties. I have a 10 year old daughter and 7 year old son that I absolutely love and adore. I also have two beautiful step kids; my 17 year old stepson and 22 year old stepdaughter. These five beings made me believe in miracles.
These gorgeous miracles, and a very busy career, have managed to keep me extremely busy. We have bills to pay, college and retirement to save for, and family life to sustain. That’s a big job! And that big job managed to push my dream life and my creative life into the corner. I also blame fear. Who isn’t afraid of being rejected? But I’m letting these things hold me back and life is going right on by. I haven’t allowed myself permission to spend any time daydreaming, playing, conjouring, and creating to help me to re-zero and find my true calling and purpose. Am I really working at what I love? Am I spending forty hours a week doing what I LOVE? Not really. It has elements of what I am good at but it is not my passion. I’m in survival mode for the most part. I’m sure you feel it too. BUT, I’m not done letting my mind roam free to dream some new dreams to add to this rich tapestry of my life. I believe there is another way. I believe there is something else I was put on earth to do and I need to find it. It isn’t necessarily going to find me.
Part of the joy of life is exploring the limitless possibilities for how we can live and work. And it is different for every one of us. I hope you will join me on this adventure. Let’s explore and open up our minds to the infinite possibilities. If the sky was the limit what would you do? Where would you go? Who would you be? What are you seeking? Please share it with me. If you are not comfortable sharing, please just join me. Let’s see where this adventure takes us. 💫
“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.” Jon Kabat-Zinn
So, here I am. I never in a million years thought I would start a blog or become a “blogger”. It seemed so out there; so public. And I’m a very private person. On top of it, I just never considered my story to be valuable or worthy of sharing with anybody. (Read: Low self-esteem). But my perspective is changing. I’m starting to feel like I do matter.
I give credit to Elizabeth Gilbert and Sheri Salata for inspiring my newfound courage to tell my story. We all are unique beings with a unique story to tell. Nobody on earth has ever been me or you before. So, yes, it’s a very unique story! It’s well worth telling!
I want to use this blog to explore my art. I want to speak my truth. I want to tell my story. Learn to be fearless. When I was younger, I thought by the time I reached age 35 I would have confidence and feel comfortable in my own skin, know who I am and what I want, where I want to be, where I want to go, and what I want to do. That day never came as I hit 35, 40, and then 45. I am here staring down 50 and I am still scared. I know I have a voice but it has been devalued, criticized, and stifled. I am not placing blame. I have a part in that as much as my world does.
I’m ready to confront my tremendous fears and tackle my inner beatdown committe that tells me: this is a dumb idea; not to embarrass myself; that my stories will be dumb, or worse, boring; that I don’t know what I’m doing; and that I have nothing important or of value to say. Maybe so? But I’m doing it anyway.
So, here goes. I’m looking forward to this adventure. I hope to find my tribe here. My community. Myself. 🦋